It’s been a while since I have written a blog post… I’ve had plenty of ideas, but they never seemed to last long enough to be typed out. A friend recently mentioned how one of my blog posts has inspired her son to give Workaway a try, so I decided it is time to share with you again.
As most of you know, I was gone for quite a while (9 months in Hawaii, and almost 4 months in Europe). When I came back to Washington, MO in September, I did not expect it would take me such a long time to get used to being here again. Everybody kept asking me if I was staying/where was I going next, and I felt like all of the traveling and experiences of the past 17 months were slowly settling into me. My answer was, “I don’t know.” And I still don’t.
While unpacking my stuff that has been stored at my friends while I was gone, I was surprised to discover that I had not missed it at all. Not even my books. Settling into my new apartment felt strange too, since I had no wish to put pictures on the walls or decorate it in a special way to make it home. Staying with these thoughts and feelings brought me to the realization that I was over it: attachment. Living with so many different people in various places using their things and adopting a routine to fit their daily lives had brought me to a new understanding of “home.” Home was not a fixed place/a group of people or objects anymore, home was a fluid intangible feeling within, where I dwelt. After all my wandering, I had to come back to find that all that I needed had been inside of me all along. Ironically, there is a quote about that.
“A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.” – George A. Moore
In my case, returning home meant returning to my true self. The part of me that is connected to everything there is, centered in Love, Truth and Peace. From that place, everything seems to take on a new outlook and the unknown is no longer scary, but an exciting part of the creative process. Being detached from places, people and things for me does not mean becoming a hermit and retreating in a cave. Rather, I perceive it as being fully present wherever I am, regardless of the circumstances/surroundings. Sometimes, when I try to logically reason about my life, I wonder “What am I doing here?” and nothing seems to make sense. Yet, when I follow my heart and do what it whispers to me, despite all the reasons against it my mind conjures, everything seems to flow in a beautiful way, taking me to where I need to be. It never fails.
I am here now, and it’s ok to not know anything beyond that. I am doing what I love, I’ve adopted two kittens who were in need of a home, and I have a wonderful circle of friends who don’t mind having abstract conversations with me over coffee/tea. When I have a what-am-I-doing moment, I know that I am creating my life one day at a time, with gratitude and love. There are so many possibilities, so why be confined to a singular static image? My goal in life has never been a particular stage to remain in, but rather the exciting, never-ending and sometimes rather confusing process of learning and growing. Leaving you with something I wrote the other day, that wanted to come out.
“One never reaches home,’ she said. ‘But where paths that have an affinity for each other intersect, the whole world looks like home, for a time.”
― Hermann Hesse,
A Parallel Reality
She looked around and realized she was where she wanted to be. It had happened so naturally, that she did not even feel it. And now, she was here.
Two kittens in an attic apartment, self-employed, flexible work hours, doing what she loved. Maybe next time she had to be more specific. The cats had French names, but this was no Paris. Strangely enough, the middle of the American Midwest had somehow become home.
“20 years ago I would have never thought I’d be here,” she thought to herself, drinking a cup of tea, sitting in the recliner left by the previous tenants. The people in the town perceived her as beautiful, successful, talented, outgoing, a free spirit, a woman following her heart and enjoying life in the process. The truth was, that she never quite knew what she was doing, but somehow whatever she imagined and felt strongly about seemed to come true. Life was fascinating. No matter what happened, she always stood up and kept walking. There were infinite number of possibilities. She just had to feel them out.
The only question now was, “What next?”
“There has to be a beach,” she whispered. Her bare feet in the water where the waves meet the shore, her favorite. Walking in the busy streets of a big city was nice too, feeling a part of the nameless crowd. Creating artwork, cooking good food, sending the day away in the arms of the man she loved, kissing the night hello. Connected to Mother, embodying her nurturing energy, effortlessly flowing as one with life. She could be that.
Little did she know that somewhere in a parallel reality, she already was.
Home was within and each day when she woke up she could choose what to bring without.
She was smiling and crying at the same time. Her soul was full.
All she had to do was to keep imagining.
“The desire to go home that is a desire to be whole, to know where you are, to be the point of intersection of all the lines drawn through all the stars, to be the constellation-maker and the center of the world, that center called love. To awaken from sleep, to rest from awakening, to tame the animal, to let the soul go wild, to shelter in darkness and blaze with light, to cease to speak and be perfectly understood.”
― Rebecca Solnit,
She turned the lights off, the music was playing, and sitting by the open window brought her back 20 years ago when she would sit on the balcony and look at the stars at night. Always searching for something elusive. Saudade. When she found him, she thought that was it. Close, but not quite. The love she felt for him brought her to the Universal. As if her body opened up like with a zipper and all that existed was contained within it – the stars, the Moon, the Sun, the Oceans, the Planets, Existence. She was the Lover and the Beloved. Manifested in myriad of forms, a play of light, shadow and energy. She loved her. She loved him. She loved all.
She was Love.
“If Light Is In Your Heart
You Will Find Your Way Home.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi
Photos from the week I spent with my grandma (my dad’s mom) this summer. Above, my childhood pillow. What is your idea of home? Comments are welcome below.